Still Looking

I got knocked down pretty hard last night, metaphorically speaking.  The husband has been flirting around in deal breaker territory and isn’t showing a whole lot of remorse.

New information this afternoon nearly unhinged me after I had spent the day studiously holding myself together.  I stayed late at work because I felt numb and immobilized.  It took awhile before I felt like I could fake my way through picking up my daughters at my mom’s place.

I got all the way to her back deck, looked at the beautiful, peaceful water, checked it against my own inner turmoil and finally broke.

My mom caught me and everything spilled out.  It was a familiar story to a lot of wives and it was nice to have her hear me without leveling counter-charges as diversion.  This is a pretty standard tale of a mom picking up her fallen child unless you know my story.  Then you realize this evening was pretty remarkable.

Then again, why should I be surprised?  I don’t know too many people who have been knocked down more often than she has.  And yet, she looked right at me, smiled and told me she simply couldn’t believe this was all there was.  She had faith in God.  She knows He sees all and will make a way.

I told her I couldn’t believe she was that sure.

She told me she couldn’t believe I was struggling.  I had always been the one with the faith.

“I’m a little streaky,” I admitted as the tears again found surface.

Our conversation touched in many different directions, each one just right, as the pain quietly washed away in the layers of it.

We talked about whether you are who you are when you’re born.

When she shared a story from my early childhood, I absolutely knew the answer was “yes”.  I am doubting more things than not right now, but here’s what she told me.

At our little Baptist, country church as a very young child, I asked the teacher where God was.  When she told me He was in my heart…

…I lifted my dress up over my head and looked for Him.

I ducked my head into my very own skin looking for God, all the while proclaiming, as I am known to do, “I don’t see Him!”  All the while, come to think of it, showing my ass.